Seven Songs That Saved My Life

I've been too sick to leave the house, hence the non-gig updates. Sorry about all that.
I fought it for a very long time, but I can't deny it any longer. Music saved my life. I am officially one of those people. In the beginning, it just gave me consolation, a sense of belonging, the knowledge that I wasn't alone. After a while, it was more than that. It was something to live for. It was a way of expression when I couldn't find the words, at the most fundamental level. Once things took a turn for the atrocious with my ex, it was something that was my own, something that no one else could take from me, even when everything else was up for grabs.
Very rarely nowadays, but some nights, even still, it feels like all I have. It will always be something I can cling to when all else is lost.

These are the songs that have, well, saved my life.




1. Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls

And I don't want the world to see me/'cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken/I just want you to know who I am

1998. I am twelve years old, and in the midst of my first bout of depression. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I won't know what to say for almost another decade. This song, though, this song gives me comfort; it gives me the knowledge that I'm not alone, that other people feel the way I do, and that other people can put words on it. I won't - can't - tell anyone, but at least I know. At least I can listen to Dizzy Up The Girl and feel that solace. I probably would have made it through without Iris, but I would have been very lost, and very damaged. 

2. Hold On, Good Charlotte

It has to be the official video, and it won't embed.Trigger warnings for suicide, self-harm, and dead family members.

Hold on if you feel like letting go/hold on it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer/don't stop searching, it's not over

Hold on

I'm not sure that this song has aged well. Maybe it was always cheesy. In 2003, though, I would listen to this song, and sob, and try to hold on. It's an instance where I took the music, took it personally, and that quite literally kept me alive. I don't know if I can say anything else. More than any other song on this list, this song saved my life. I can barely listen to it, now.

3. Guernica, Brand New

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? 

I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind

I fell in love with Brand New during a funny time in my life. I needed something to fixate on, and they were there. I obsessed over this song. Those two sentences depicted depression so accurately to me, at that time, and it was a time when I was beginning to try to explain how I felt to people who might be able to help, so any help in expressing myself went a long way in helping me start to fix myself. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I took that a bit personally, too. I figured  that I might as well do as they asked, as well: stick around for a bit longer, if I could manage. I mean, they were my idols.

4. Still A Long Way To Go, James Dean Bradfield

Cold comfort in the dawn/the dawn that brings you 'round

A pale light that you found/there's still a long way to go

This is my lullaby. This is the ultimate comfort. This is everything that I need on repeat when I can't move for being so depressed. This song gets me through the worst nights once everyone I rely on is asleep. There might be a long way to go, but with James singing me lullabies, maybe I'll get there. Like laughing in the dark, to keep the dogs at bay. That's a black dog on my shoulder, and it's not laughing that keeps it at bay.

5. Autumnsong, Manic Street Preachers

So when you hear this autumnsong, clear your heads and get ready to run

So when you hear this autumnsong, remember the best times are yet to come

Honestly, this song just makes me feel good. Yes, I will wear my love like it is made of hate/born to destroy and born to create. Send Away The Tigers was the Manics album that I bought while I was living in the worst of a bad situation, and it was mine, and Autumnsong is mine. It's a reminder that I own my destiny, and that's a fucking powerful thing, and something that you need when you're curled up on the bathroom floor and you can't remember why you haven't jumped off the balcony yet.

6. William's Last Words, Manic Street Preachers

I even love the devil, for yes he did me harm, to keep me any longer

'cause I'm really tired, I'd love to go to sleep, wake up happy (wake up happy)

They say that this song isn't Richey's suicide note, but it sure as fuck feels like it is. This song is one reason that I feel like I can't die. There's so much pain behind it, so much hurt in Nicky's voice, and it reminds me that it would just hurt everyone I love too damn much. I have to stay alive. I owe it to them. Good night, nos da, I'll try my best. 

7. No Children, The Mountain Goats

Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises/we're pretty sure they're all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever/I hope the worst isn't over

When I left my ex, I asked my friends to suggest relevant songs. This got me through the worst of a traumatic breakup. The most important thing it did for me was increase my own sense of self-acceptance, after a time: you are coming down with me/hand in unlovable hand. Yeah, well, I'm not unlovable, motherfucker. The anger in this song makes me feel at peace.


Honourable Mentions: 

You Get What You Give, New Radicals

But when the night is falling, and you cannot find the light

If you feel your dream is dying, hold tight/you've got the music in you

I still have this song memorised, down to the timing of each "hey" at the beginning. I remember listening to it and feeling, even at thirteen, somewhat hopeful and less angry. His suggestion that I had a reason to live seemed, maybe, not terribly far-fetched. I think this song could talk me out of suicide.

Futures, Jimmy Eat World

I always believed in futures/I hope for better in November

I try the same losing lucky numbers/it could be a cold night, for a lifetime

This song has soundtracked the walks in the rain that have kept me safe. The past is told by those who win, my darling. I chose to win. Thanks, guys. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Judge Yr'Self, Manic Street Preachers

Find yr truth/face yr truth

Speak yr truth/and be yr truth

These gentlemen keep me going. This song gives me a certain strength within myself. Blessed be the blade is a reminder that I don't need that anymore.

Postcards From A Young Man, Manic Street Preachers

This world will not impose its will 

I will not give up and I will not give in

I have a playlist called Leaving The House. This song is the reason I created it. It's my anthem when I need to Get Shit Done, whether that shit is just getting through the day or something more specific.